Realizing my mistakes (Part I)

My father had spoken words to me that wouldn’t fade into an audibly comprehensive volume until later in life. Those words being: “be a leader, not a follower”. My life thus far has mostly involuntarily been unique. I lead a true life of my own — one in which I don’t feel is truly relatable. Now, this isn’t to say at all that I live some grandiose life that’s just so much different than those around me, but rather, my comprehension of and the interactions received from the world around me just seems quite…different.

I have a picture as a baby that always renders a particular fun fact from my Mother. In the photo, both of my hands are balled up in a fist as I stare curiously into the camera ahead. She reminds me that she used to have to pry my hands open all the time, and she says it was a tell-tale sign that I was likely going to be selfish. Of course, that’s just a functionality of a infant with their relentless “death grip”. As a child hearing that, I would just laugh at the thought of my tiny hands — but later as a teen, the selfish part became sensationalized in my head and tunneled me down an introspective path.

I’ve collapsed into myself time and time again. I’ve studied myself so deeply that I suffered a tour of anxiety for years that was induced by just having the very thought of myself. I’ve always internally felt the sense of squeezing, compaction, solidity. As a child, I suffered these horribly abstract and peculiar dreams of my tiny body having to hold up these massive shapes, and wanting to release this scream of rage and agony but simply not being able to. I fear I’ve taken my father’s words and foolishly inverted the message, in a sense. I lead myself into myself and that was not the correct path. I cannot say all that I’ve done has been about me but I have spent a hell of a lot of time worried about the functionality of me, and I no longer want to fall into myself. I apologize to all whom couldn’t get a better display of celebration or hope out of me. It was because I was once again collapsing into the thought of how I could fix me. I apologize for being nonverbal and avoidant of feelings, causing awkwardness or discomfort. I apologize for using harmful tones, discomforting and confusing language. My goal now is to continue the wishes of my father, but this time be a leader to the outer limits and on the paths of peace, vitality emotion rehabilitation and inclusion. I will try to no longer obsess over looking to find myself in myself. I will find more invigoration in helping others find their invigoration.