Realizing my mistakes (Part I)

My father had spoken words to me that wouldn’t fade into an audibly comprehensive volume until later in life, and those words were simply: “be a leader, not a follower”. My life thus far has mostly involuntarily been unique. I’ve led a true life of my own — one in which I don’t feel is truly relatable. Now, this isn’t to say I live some grandiose life that’s just so much different than those around me, but rather, my comprehension of and the interactions received from the world around me just seems quite different.

I have a picture as a baby that always renders a particular fun fact from my mother. In the photo, both of my hands are balled up in a fist as I stare curiously into the camera ahead. She reminds me that she used to have to pry my hands to stay open, and she says it was a tell-tale sign that I was likely going to be selfish. As a child hearing that, I would just laugh at the thought of my tiny hands being fists — but later as a teen, the selfish part became a gateway down an introspective path.

I’ve collapsed into myself time and time again. I’ve studied myself so deeply that I suffered a tour of anxiety for years that was induced by just having the very thought of myself. I’ve always internally felt the sense of squeezing, compaction, solidity. As a child, I suffered these horribly abstract and peculiar dreams of my tiny body having to hold up these massive shapes, and wanting to release this scream of rage and agony but simply not being able to. I fear I’ve taken my father’s words and foolishly inverted the message. I lead myself into myself and that was not the correct path. I cannot say all that I’ve done has been about me, but I have spent a hell of a lot of time worried about the functionality of me, and I no longer want to walk into myself. I apologize to all whom couldn’t get a simple piece of celebration and hope out of me for themselves because I was once again collapsing into the thought of how I could fix me. I apologize for being nonverbal and avoidant of feelings, causing awkwardness or discomfort. I apologize for using harmful tones, discomforting and confusing language. My goal now is to continue the wishes of my father, but this time being a leader to the outer limits and on the paths of peace, vitality, emotion rehabilitation, and inclusion. I will no longer look to find myself in myself. I will find invigoration in helping others find their invigoration.